WHAT DO WE DO WHEN, IN THIS SEASON OF RENEWAL, LIFE STILL FEELS LIKE A LIFE-SENTENCE? HOW DO WE GRIEVE AT A TIME WHEN EVERYTHING (EXCEPT THE PERSON WE LOVED) SEEMS TO BE COMING BACK TO LIFE? Easter. Passover. Spring. The days lengthen, grow warm. Everything seems to come back to life. Everything, that is, except the one we loved. The… Read More
8 ACTUALLY HELPFUL WAYS TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO’S GRIEVING (WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW HOW)
HERE ARE SOME THINGS YOUR WIDOWED FRIEND WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW. SHE’D TELL YOU IF SHE COULD. BUT SHE CAN’T. THAT’S PART OF THE PROBLEM. 1. Please understand that right now your widowed friend is not herself. Literally not herself. Most of the constructs of self she had have vanished, some temporarily, some permanently. Everything — her role in life,… Read More
TIDINGS OF DISCOMFORT
Our beloved partner is no longer on earth. And now it’s the holidays. Sometimes other people, not realizing they’re doing it, ask us to dress grief up in party clothes. We may even ask it of ourselves. But we don’t have to do it. In the fall of 2004, Richard, my friend Kay’s husband and the love of her life,… Read More
GROWING COMPASSION: SUICIDE, “SUICIDE WIDOWS” & THE ANTHONY BOURDAIN AFFECT
IF YOU’VE LOST A PARTNER TO SUICIDE, EXPECT TO REVISIT THAT PECULIARLY GUILT-TAINTED SORROW EVERY TIME A CELEBRITY EXITS LIFE BY HIS OR HER OWN HAND, OR ON THAT DEATH’S ANNIVERSARY. MAYBE IT’S TIME TO GROW SOME COMPASSION, ALL AROUND. Anthony Bourdain’s suicide four years ago hit me hard. Perhaps this was partly because Bourdain and I work / worked… Read More
WHY YOU CAN’T “HEAL” WIDOWHOOD GRIEF
WHAT TO DO WHEN THE REGULAR PARADIGMS DON’T WORK Most of us, before widowhood was thrust upon us, gave little thought to what that state would actually be like. And when and if we did try to conceive of it, most of us got it wrong. ” … In the version of grief we imagine (before we are widowed),” writes… Read More
A “SUICIDE-WIDOW” CONSIDERS THE UNTHINKABLE, ON A STRIPED COUCH
September is National Suicide Prevention Month. It is also the birthday month of the late David Koff, with whom I lived for almost a decade, and who ended his own life. I wrote this exploration of the collateral damage of suicide, six years ago, three years after David’s death. In 2014, I had a new cat come to live with… Read More
PLEASE SAY MY BELOVED’S NAME: HOW AND WHY TO TALK ABOUT THE DECEASED
DON’T BE AFRAID TO SAY ALOUD THE NAME OF THE DECEASED. DON’T BE AFRAID TO REMEMBER HIM OR HER. ALOUD. WITH US. KNOWING YOU LOVED OUR BELOVED TOO HELPS US. IT EVEN, SOMETIMES, BRINGS HER OR HIM BACK TO LIFE, JUST A LITTLE. THERE CAN BE NO BIGGER GIFT. I’m often in touch with a friend, the musician Bill Haymes, … Read More
THE GRIEVING VOTE: WIDOWHOOD, COMPASSION & THE 2020 ELECTION
“Her first husband died in a workplace accident when she was 24 and pregnant with their second child. ‘Becoming a young widow changed my life,’ she said.” Suddenly, reading these words recently in the New York Times, sitting there at the old oak table in the kitchen, having breakfast, the hair on the back of my neck rose. There are… Read More
THREE MEN I LOVED, STILL LOVE. TWO OF THEM DEAD, ONE VERY MUCH ALIVE. THREE POEMS.
IS WRITING A WAY TO KEEP YOUR HEART AND LIFE WIDE OPEN, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO, BECAUSE YOU’RE DEEP IN THE MONOTONOUS PAIN OF GRIEVING? SHOULD YOU? HOW CAN YOU, WHEN THERE IS SO MUCH HURT, AND SOMETIMES, SO MUCH UGLINESS? YET, ALTHOUGH WHEN DEEP IN GRIEF WE DO NOT EXPERIENCE OR BELIEVE IT, THE OPPOSITE IS ALSO TRUE…. Read More
FREQUENT FLYER MILES ARE AN INHERITABLE ASSET: DID YOU KNOW?
THE AIRLINES DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW IT, BUT IT’S TRUE. AND FLYING ON THE MILES GIVEN TO YOU BY SOMEONE YOU LOVED, WHO HAS HIM- OR HERSELF FLOWN OFF EARTHLY LIFE… WELL, THE JOURNEYS I HAVE TAKEN UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE BEEN DEAR TO ME. HERE’S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW. This post is unusual for me. It is… Read More
DEAR FRIEND OF THE WIDOW: FOOLPROOF CONSOLATION, EIGHT WAYS TO HELP THE GRIEVING
OUR FRIENDS WANT TO HELP US. THEY DON’T KNOW HOW. WE DON’T KNOW HOW EITHER. BECAUSE WE ARE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT. DEAR WIDOW, I WROTE THIS LETTER FOR YOU TO GIVE YOUR FRIENDS. A LETTER TO THE WIDOW’S FRIENDS Dear Friend of the Widow, You already know this: ___________, the beloved life partner of your friend __________,… Read More
THE VALENTINES HE DIDN’T KNOW HE SENT
NOT “FROM THE OTHER WORLD.” NOT “SHE’S SENDING YOU A MESSAGE.” STILL, SOMETIMES SOMETHING YOU DIDN’T FULLY REALIZE YOU HAD BEEN GIVEN MAKES ITSELF KNOWN. Someone must have told me, back in the miasma of grief and unreality that followed Ned’s unexpected death, to call Arkansas Social Security. Told me to ask about “widow’s benefits.” And I did. But I… Read More